I was talking to someone about the process of treatment and remembering prior conversations about treatment and the process of my own recovery.

I hated the idea of going to residential.  I hated that the building was named "Eating Disorders Center."  I even stated to the staff that I in fact did not have an eating disorder, but rather an illness that had to be treated there.  Talk about denial!

Eating disorders don't just disappear.  I can't just click my heels and make all my self loathing thoughts go away, no matter how much I wish I could.

What I can do however is confront them head on.  Whenever I get an eating disordered thought (or an intense urge to binge), I ask myself:  "What is stressing me out?  Or what do I feel that I am missing out on?  What feeling am I not allowing myself to have?"  By this time, I usually have self analyzed myself to the point that the thoughts have usually dissipated.  I found over time I can use this tool to postpone any hasty actions. 

Unfortunately, this did not happen overnight.  I tried everything...calling people, eating in public, preportioned meals, keeping an arsenal of measuring cups, food scales and spoons, eating with friends and making meal plans.  I found that sometimes despite all the structure I set up in life, I would still have set backs.  Realizing that eventually I would be alone and experience hunger with no one in site to feed me but myself.

Scary thought.  I had essentially failed in taking care of my body and giving it proper nutrition for many years.  How could I be expected to suddenly do this on my own?  I thought back to childhood and remembered when I actually enjoyed eating.  When I looked forward to cereal during Saturday morning cartoons and Sunday dinners after church.  How was it so simple then?  Food and eating were not about making this statement about my body, or a reflective of "self control."

Food is energy, but food also carries memories.  Memories are laced with emotion.  I work to tone down the emotional attachments to food...but I know that in our society it will always be there...wedding cake, birthday cake, favorite meal, Halloween candy, thanksgiving turkey, Christmas ham, easter eggs and chocolate, fourth of july hot dogs and hamburgers, along with the requisite cook outs for Memorial and Labor Days.

Recovery is a day by day process.  Recovery means sticking to your planned food when your morning goes bad and your mind suddenly screams "I need french fries!"  Recovery means realizing that french fries will not erase the fact that someone was mean to you, or gave you a look, or erase the fact that you have a mountain of paperwork to get done.

I remember hearing the phrase that "Recovery is Discovery," and thought it was a bit trite.  But now I realize that it is true.  By challenging the eating disorder, I've learned so much about myself and my triggers.  Sometimes the only way to get out of something is to go through it.